I just did something that I almost never do. I actually bothered to call my Mother and talk to her about problems in my personal life. You see, I’ve never been a person who wore their emotions (other than possibly anger) on their sleve. I’ve always tended to bottle things up or express myself badly and in ways that I don’t intend. Tonight the woman who I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with broke things off. This was mostly just due to my normal behavior of not letting her see just how much I care for her or sticking my foot in my mouth and speaking without thinking about what I say. I don’t know why I do this. I just know that I hate it. It might have just cost me something that I will never get over. See, I’ve been married before but looking back I knew from the start that it probably wouldn’t work out. I’ve never had the slightest hesitation or wavering about that with Becky. In my mind she is the perfect fit for me: caring, geeky, lovable, beautiful, fun, sexy, thoughtful and all of the other things that I never can seem to be. I want to be them and I try to be them, god knows I try, but I always seem to come up just a bit short in her eyes. She has very high standards of how she should be treated, and rightly so. She deserves the world for all of the attention and love she has given me. And I return that 100%, just in my own way, which is hard for her to see. If only she was able to completely read my thoughts or see beyond my actions sometimes then she would truly know how much she means and the pedastal that she is on, but alas, she is not psychic and I have failed yet again.
So tonight I talked to my mother and even my sister for quite awhile. Trying to explain my feelings to them as I never could quite know how to explain them to Becky. And so they understand more than she does. How much of a travesty is that? My only hope is that she reads this, or takes time to collect her thoughts again about me, or decides to pick up the phone and call, or has a divine intervention that shines down the irrevocable truth. That she is the one and only true love for me and thank god I found her. Even if it meant that we were together for a short time on this earth, I was truly blessed and the better for it.
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